What to expect from online dating

After becoming single last year for the first time in a while, I was persuaded by friends and family to move on and give online dating a go. If you’re new to the online dating scene then this post may prepare you for what the future has in store for you. Or perhaps you’re already a online dating veteran and a few of these points may tickle you. Alternatively, you may already be in a happy relationship and just want a laugh at us poor ol’ singletons and reaffirm how bloody lucky you are that you don't have to go through this all, you swines! (I kid). But anyway, I think I’ve listed a few home truths about what you can expect from the online dating world.

I hope you enjoy.

And good luck if you're considering online dating...you're gona' need it :|

Topless selfies

This is a tough one isn’t it? On the one hand, I’m sure we all appreciate a nice, good looking body but of the other hand we have to ask, is this topless Greek god really husband material? For me, it’s a no. 

Sorry Zeus.  

Duck Faced Men

Can someone alert the authorities!?! Men pouting?! When did this become a thing and more importantly, when was this deemed socially ok?! Don’t ask me why I find it ok for women to pout in photos yet when a man does it I can’t help but want to heave. I just can't explain it.

Whenever I see a man pouting in a photo I can literally feel my fallopian tubes tying themselves in to knots and every last bit of desire that I had for any man, fading fast. 

Please spread this message, men and pouting should never go together.

Mr.Keen

A truck load in fact. (He didn't even give me time to respond...)

'Just ask me'

Am I the only one who has a gripe with this? I can't stand it when a guy has an about me section that only says:

 ‘Just ask me’ 

I'm not detective f**king Colombo mate!  You’ve got to give me some clues as to what you like; otherwise this is going to be a very long, arduous process for us all...

Me: Do you like sea kelp?

Him: No

Me: Have you seen Jaws?             

Him: No

Me: Uh. Common! What do you like?!?!

Him: Just ask!


Plus, I'd like to know if I've got stuff in common with you before I swipe right becuase believe it or not, I'm not judging you solely on how you look!

Where's Wally?

I'm putting it out there, group photos are the bane of my existence. I can see you have friends, lots of them in fact. However, you all look the same and I can’t really tell which one you are, soooooo…

(swipes left)

Perverts 

God loves a trier doesn't he? What can I say? I almost feel sorry for the guys who write these types of messages to girls but what do they honestly expect? Do they think we will fall to our knees and praise the lord that our knight in shining armor has appeared at last? Or do they really think that sending a message saying ‘You’re body is fit, I need to f**k you asap’ is really going to result in sexual intercourse? 

Oh, they did?  

Oh, well, that’s awkward…

All the young dudes. They will hit on you. A lot. Does anyone take this as a compliment? Maybe I should but instead I can’t help but feel like a cradle robbing old hag if any guy younger than me sends me a message. My darling, I’m ten years older than you, it’s just not going to happen. Also, why on earth are you on here anyway?! Isn’t it past your bed time?! You cheeky lil scallywag!

The older (old) man 

YOU’RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY DAD!

(shudders)

The Normal 'good looking guys who say odd/weird/mental things'... 

...which just reinstates the fact that you’re going to be alone forever. 

These types of guys have to be the worst of them all. They have nice photos, they look sociable yet mysterious and low and behold, you have the same interests, could this be a match made in online dating heaven? 

He’s cute, you’re cute, you could have good looking babies together, you've basically started planning the wedding but uh, oh no, nope, nope, nope, he’s just gone and ruined it all by being a complete and utter nutter (see below for further details).

Fan-bloody-tastic.

But just as all hope fades...

You realize there are some nice ones...

Have you tried online dating before? I'd love to know what was the funniest message you've ever received! Let me know in the comments below. 

=^.^=